Oh so soon.



A week has passed and it's Friday Blog Fever again.



It's not so much of a blog fever but a temperature hike today.



It's Friday night man and I was out mingling and rubbing shoulders with 2 million of Singapore's SWEATY population on Orchard yet again.



It was SO damn BLOODY humid that my armpits are threatening to turn into MacRitchie reserviour.



I spent 24 oops i mean 18 years 74 months trying to get used to the heat but let me tell you, I think I still need another 50 years to get used to being in the oven perpetually.



I'm extremely whiny about the WEATHER becuz


1) it gives me a headache


2) sweaty people equal to a lot of stinky people out there roaming the streets


3) princess can't be sweaty, I tell you




The weather is SO hot, that I think strolling down orchard naked will not solve the problem.



Don't tell me to stop whining about the bloody weather becuz this is my bloody blog and it is so hot my mouse and keyboard are getting sticky and I’m getting irritated by the heat.



Don't remind me that other countries like India have got it worse becuz I can't wear a Sari or Sarong to parade down Orchard road and I DON'T INTEND TO.



And my hammie is ignoring me becuz it's so hot so I thought that it was DEAD (heat stroke) and I panicked and screamed like a fool for my sister to come and take a look.



And now hammie has the privilege of having a fan all to himself, cooling his sweaty fur all day.




Hammie trying to get closer to the cooling fan...




So I proposed the Singapore government build an entire air-conditioned shield over the entire Singapore and transform it into a mammoth gigantic fully air-conditioned nation.



I tell you. This is like the best thing I have ever thought of since 1981.



Since my mum gave birth to me.



I tell you why there is a need to do away with this gigantic sauna we call Singapore.




1) For the good of mankind in general...



Well at least for Singaporeans.



There's no need for ALL Singaporeans to suffer in this heat.



Hairy Singaporeans will no doubt be glad about this piece of news.



Ah meng will be very happy too.





2) More construction = more jobs...



More construction will create more jobs and in turn reduce unemployment and people will increase their expenditure and in turn create more marketing and market research jobs which ayam, dajie and me will be very grateful to the government for.





3) Attract more tourists...



I have to speak up for hairy Caucasian tourists whose fur or sometimes known as hair traps sweat, dirt and if lucky some houseflies.



Heat absolutely dulls the full of exploring Singapore LOR.



Have you tried wearing a fur suit bearing a 40kg backpack?



Even Superman would have died of a heat stroke in Singapore and that's probably why Batman has never considered migrating to Singapore becuz his outfit is in black.



Nobody, including Superman & Fatman like being a walking sweat ball.



So cooler environment = more tourists as they are not put off by the heat.



Also, since they don't have to sweat a MacRitchie reserviour just to walk from Cineleisure to Takashimaya, tourists will be HAPPY



And HAPPY equals to increase shopping activities.



MORE shopping contributes to the economy which reduces unemployment which increased domestic spending which results in more marketing and market research jobs for ayam, dajie and me.



Also more tourists will pay a visit to the neighbourhood hawker centres and patronised more al fresco dinner since they no longer have to taste their own sweat in their food.



This will mean that Singapore will need MORE hawkers and MORE university graduates can choose to be a hawker after they get their precious degrees.



To note, graduates who are not able to find a job in the long term (such as us) can opt to don the aprons for the rest of their lives.



Imagine that sense of satisfaction when you hang your precious degree at your hawker stall.



Yippy! Excuse me while I prefect the skill of egg frying..





4) There will be less obesity...



Erm... Sounds illogical but it's TRUE!!



The heat just makes me feel drowsy like a drunken sailor = me taking MORE afternoon naps



Also results in ---> everyone putting off exercising ---> results in obesity



To prove my point.



Just check out the number of muscular men, gay men, fag men and normal women who prefer to jog on their treadmills at the gym nearest to you.



I tell you pampered Singaporeans just want to exercise in nice cooled recycled stinky air lah.





4) NEWater Literally!!



New source of Water: Air conditioners give out water or whatever liquid you called that.



Before you say eeeew, may I remind you that you are already drinking recycled water.



So can you imagine the amount of liquid a gigantic air conditioner can generate that we can consumed?



I say SUCK my TOES lah Malaysia!!



Oops...





5) Shield against Nuclear Bombing..




Oops.. sorry. Forgot we are not next to North Korea.



Not that it will happen any time soon.




I hope only relevant authorities are considering my proposal..




I’m sick of feeling sticky, sweaty and sick of sitting next to sticky, sweaty and stinky NS men, school children, teenagers, fat men and old uncles which basically constitutes 65% of the population already.



Amen.



Disclamier to tourists: The Singapore Sweat Ball is in no way related to the Singapore Sling. Thank You.

Woohoo..



Today's the official release of ayam's life as a chicken..



Well I wonder if she wants me to be her official media as well...



Jia You Ayam!! Such things take time ok?



Anyway, I'm about to go out now..



I just used the Red Earth blusher which I bought the other time while shopping for CMJ's present.






Den I looked into the mirror and realised that these primates could be my relatives worr..



Bummer...



So I tried to make my hair look different to draw attention away from my baboon ass red cheeks







So i scrunched my hair up like the good ol' Xiaxue way


Erm.. but somehow it looks different from hers.



Mine just looked like dried hay... or some deformed 'you tiao'



And considering how humid and hot today's weather is, I'm not surprise if my hair catch fire..



Thank god I'm NOT meeting the gals today.



We would have caused a bush fire somewhere with this weather.



So today, I ended up looking something like that




I'm the stuff legends are made of.


Till tonight folks.

Narrative:


Eeeek...


Ahhh....


Kill YOU!!


Die. You scum.



Sorrie. Just warming my vocal cords for some good ol' screaming later.



************************************


The Story


I always get a sense of satisfaction when I kill something that isn't welcome in my room.



And I'm not talking about my dad.



Huh?



Okie. I admit. My room is not and will not be on the cover of any decorating magazine.



Neither does my room smell fabulous when I keep stashing week-old breakfast in my bags.



Okie okie so I admit that my room has the honour of housing some 'guests' in the past.



Well. except for cockroaches.



Unless my sister counts as one.



You know, cockroaches, I can handle.



Cuz they are like some nice piece of brainless cracker that cracks when you step really hard on them and magically, they are gone forever.



Lizards are another matter all together.



First, they are smart and most women would agree with me that they are smarter than most men *cough*



For one, they are smart enough to move out of harm's way.. erm unlike ignorant men and lizards, I tell you move at the speed of lightning.



And what makes them so special is that cold slimy lizards come in different colours! Unlike stinky brown mr cockroach.



************************************

Scene One:


The other day I was in bed, about to doze off into lalaland when suddenly I sensed a movement in one corner of my room.



Sensing that something else in the room was using up my share of good ol' oxygen and thus depriving me of good clean air, I switched on my bedside lamp.



There it was. Trying to blend into my lilac coloured wall, was a 3 inch scum with the biggest blackest eyes I have seen on any other lizards, dead or alive.



-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Codename: The scum
Alias: Black eye Lizzie
Abilities: Climb vertical surface, sense danger telepathically, blend into surroundings, discards its tail at will and ability to swim

-----------------------------------------------------------------------



Eeek... I gave a short teeny tiny scream of anger, horror... whatever and despair becuz it was already 3.30am



Sensing danger, the scum frozen and began one of its longest staring contest held with a human bean.



I was so mad with anger with the invasion of my privacy that I stood rooted to the ground...




Okie maybe i was just a teeny weeny petrified.



Just a little.



Okie. More den I would like to admit.



Hey.. I was defenseless ok. Sleepy and tired (+sexy). Damsels in distress are SEXY OK.




I took a step forward, trying to scare the lizard into going out of my room and hopefully into my sister's but it backfired.



So instead, the scum crawled and hid in my clothes.



Ok, up to this point, I was ready to scream my battle cry. You would too. If you see a scum CLINGING onto your clothes.



-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Scene of crime (Summary):

Point 1: Where the Scum was first spotted
Point 2: Area where the Scum took refuge in my clothes.... and no, that is not a bra


*Identities of clothes will be kept secret and identities have been changed and washed..


-----------------------------------------------------------------------



Scene Two:


I was so mad that I threw my highlighter which by the way is the closest thing, in the direction of where the scum was taking refuge, hoping to scare him into surrendering.


No movement. What-so-ever.



So I threw my expensive Pilot Hi-Tecpoint pen.



And den my mechanical pencil.



And highlighter number 2 too



And soon the entire contents of my pencil case was on the floor near the door...



I was defenceless once again




Den out of nowhere, he called/sang to me.



My knight in shining armour.. erm... glossy paper



My poster of Jay chou.




My own lightsaber* to battle evil


-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Codename: Knight on glossy paper
Alias: Zhou Dong
Abilities: Play the piano (at least in person), act cool, help damsel in distress to transport clothes to the toilet

-----------------------------------------------------------------------



Scene Three:



So I hooked my clothes (the scum still clinging onto them) with my knight in glossy paper.



And I strutted smugly to the toilet. Bent on revenge.




Red bucket: Filled with water to the brim



Ok I think you should know what I was going to do. I shall spare you the grizzly details.



-----------------------------------------------------------------------



Scene Four:



My eyes glazed over with sadistic satisfaction as I see the clothes sink rapidly in water. I stood there waiting for proof that the scum was no more.



Seconds passed.



And right before my very eyes (with dark eye circles), the scum was SWIMMING to the surface



Do you know how freaky it looks? I was so freaked out that:


1) I tossed and turned in bed for about an hour after this, unable to get the image out of my mind
2) I still get goosebumps talking about it
3) I shrieked 'eeek' and woke up my mum



Before I knew it, the bloody scum leaped out of the bucket on landed on the bathroom floor.



I SWEAR it must be some sort of superhero in its previous life.



Den mum walked over sleepily, face all scrunched up, asking me what was i playing with.



-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Codename: Xena the warrior housewife
Alias: Fearless Mummy (except for spiders)
Abilities: Cook fabulous food, sing ktv, keep the house spotless (except for my room), make children shake in their pants/panties & kill ALL insects

-----------------------------------------------------------------------



I scrunched up my face too, when I heard her asked me what was I playing with at close to 4am.



I pointed to the scum, lying weakly on the floor.



With the air of an army general, or xena the warrior housewife, she made me go fetch the hot water flask.



I tell you, rock hard cooked lizards are not a very children-friendly sight. What's more when the lizard has big, black, cooked eyes...



So my bed-time story for you children ends here. As the damsel lives yet another happy insect-free day.



-----------------------------------------------------------------------



I love you mummy. For all the insects you have helped me killed *beam* in the middle of the night.



If someone want to nominate me for Nobel Prize. Call me lah.


Lizards CAN swim. Affirmative.

YIPPY!!



I'm SO happy!!




Path, birth, perth, staff, berth... whatever... Finder called me too..



Thank god for that useless call.



Becuz:


1) it made me realised that my mobile is in WORKING order - this shall be named the ayam symptom in her honour HEE


2) I don't feel left out anymore becuz everyone HAS already received a call from them - although I have no idea where they have gotten my number


3) it gave me someone to talk to on a hot, lonely thursday afternoon with nowhere to go - enough said, my eyes are getting watery




Is it really that hard to look for a job these days?



I have been really positive about it but hearing people talking about how hard it is really puts me down.



It hasn't even been a month since our last paper people!



Don't lose hope *beam megawatt smile*

Ladies and gentlemen,



And those of you, sitting in front of your computer screen.



This is moment we have been waiting for.



Live from Singapore Guillemard Studios



The One



The Only



Event that we have been waiting for in 2005





Let's put our hands on our mouse and welcome the (mandarin) princess of pop, MJ (not to be confused with the King of Pop, Michael Jackson) highly anticipated Weblog





*furious clicking of mouse* [also known as applause in geek land]



Don't blink your eyes cuz you can only see this HERE and NOW live on the OFFICIAL MEDIA, Guillemard Studios.



May I present to you, the latest weblog in town



*furious clicking of mouse* [also known as applause in geek land]







Controversy sides of a Clown!! (Four and a Half ticks out of Five by Egg Days)




Before, we let you take a peek at this creation, we now take you behind the scenes of the making of this weblog.






-------------------------------------------------------------------------------



A short fictional interview with the princess of pop earlier on:



Reporter: Thank you so much for taking the time out from your busy schedule, Miss Chen



Miss Chen: *smiles and nod*



Reporter: It's been a long time since I have seen you, so what have you been busy with?



Miss Chen: I'm preparing for my next album which will be recorded at Paradiz* and the album is titled S-Games.



Reporter: Is the genre of the album similar to your previous album?



Miss Chen: It is slightly different style becuz Lee Hom and Jay's style of song writing are pretty different.



Reporter: Did you avoid attending the recent Music Awards to avoid Jay Lee and his new squeeze, Panty Hose.. oops I mean Miss Petty Tan?



Miss Chen: I will not answer personal questions today but I wasn't able to make it that day...



Reporter: But it is widely rumoured that you wanted to avoid Mr Lee and his mistress Petty Tan.



Miss Chen: *flaring of nostrils* I had something on that day...



Reporter: Erm... Okie so what were you busy with on that day?



Miss Chen: Erm... I was busy blogging



Reporter: Blogging?!? Sorry. This came as a surprise to me becuz I cant imagine you blogging



Miss Chen: Are you saying that I can't blog?



Reporter: Erm... No.. that's not what I meant. What I mean is that I can only imagine you on the stage singing your lungs away.



*Uncomfortable pause of silence*



Reporter: Erm.. so talking about your new and highly anticipated blog, why set it up when you are so busy with preparations for your new album?



Miss Chen: Well, I need to interact with my huge fan base so I thought it will be a good way to communicate with them, for instance to inform them that I need lozenges for my sore throat and things like that.



Reporter: I have heard rumours that you started this blog becuz you wanted to compete with Xiaxue, is that true?



Miss Chen: That is absolute trash. Xiaxue is a blog princess. I'm a pop princess. Read my lips. Pop Princess. So we are of a different genre.



Reporter: So are you going to advertise about your blog? Can I read your blog?



Miss Chen: Erm.. I'm just going to advertise it by word of mouth, especially, my good fren's big mouth. BUT HOR, DUN PASTE MY ADD IN UR BLOG LEH!!! my blog only open to those that i am close frens with...arigato.




Note:
So you have heard it from the horse's mouth, if she hasnt given you the web address, it could mean that your relationship with her has plenty of question marks. Thank you.



Let's do the boogie woogie man

I actually feel apologetic when I don't blog.



So i apologise.



I was feeling kinda of lazy and busy ----> I know it sounds like an oxymoron



And also, I wanted to blog especially on today, becuz today's the official release of someone's album.. erm i mean biography... opps i mean weblog.



A good round of applause for CMJ!!



Once I get the go-ahead sign from her majesty, I WILL be the OFFICIAL MEDIA to advertise her blog.



So I will do a short blog before I go and take a shower.



Anyway, I was saying I was busy rite? Taking a leaf out from Mr D's resume sending tactics, I have decided to mass send and spam potential employers with my resume.



I have sent out about 8 today. Yeah! After a week of not sending any out, I have decided to be more proactive in my job search.



I hope it works. Wish me luck cuz I have no wish to be a Hooter Girl. Or to sell my kidneys.



By the way, I have got a massive, head splitting, mind boggling headache after watching Miss Universe 2005 the other night.



Yes I know it sounds familiar becuz I had a headache after watching Infernal affairs too.



I was having a headache because question marks were plastered and running all over my brain.



Fashion police alert:



Huh? Huh? Huh?



Erm... I present to you Singapore's National Costume



Erm.. And I took a moment to ponder,



Erm... but peacocks, we are not.



Erm.. so what's that thingy on Cheryl's head huh?



Erm... then I realised that by saying the above could get me into trouble.



Erm.. so I would like to add that the costume's not that bad but it gave me a bad headache.



Erm... why?



Erm... becuz I think I killed enough brain cells but I still cannot figure out how that costume signify Singapore?



Erm... I mean, whats with the feathers man?



*shrugs* ----------> since no one knows and no one can answer my question.



But I'm glad they are not the type of feathers we see on feather dusters.



Anyway, I think Singapore's national costume should be the SIA stewardess kebaya.



Sexy, feminine and instaneously recognisable. I saw this tourist, MALE wearing this shirt with the SIA kebaya print. I tried to take a picture of him to show you guys but I nearly ended up with a black eye.




Erm... By the way, nice evening gown, Miss Japan.






Erm... but you gave me a headache too.




Erm.. ok maybe I don't know much about fashion.. but the headache is real.



And since I took the time to sieve through the pictures, you people better look and ogle all that is worth




2nd Runner up: Miss Dominican Republic






1st Runner up: Miss Puerto Rico





Miss Universe: Miss Canada



After looking at them, I have abandoned ALL hopes of entering the contest next year. And I have smashed all mirrors at home. And I'm not going to brush my teeth and comb my hair ever. Why bother?



Oh and if you want to wank to their pictures, you can actually BUY pictures of each delegate.




I was at Chinatown the other day too and I saw Darth Vader & Chewbacca and I thought they looked a little weird.



But I just can't put a finger to what looks so strange about them.








I think they might have cancer.



Look at the cancerous lumps at the top of their heads.



Bummer.



Till later.

I'm having this massive, head-splitting, mind boggling headache after watching infernal affairs on tv.


Could probably be due to having to decide whether Andy Lau or Tony Leung is better looking.



VS

Tough choice. which explains the source of headache.



Every time I watch an Andy Lau movie on tv, I get (thunder, lightning and moon) struck by how good looking he has become as he aged.


Mr Chan, do you think you would look like this when you are in your 40s?


I certainly hope so.




By the way, I know in my Choking the Chicken post, I stated that Mr Wei will be known from that day onwards as Mr Chan.


But seriously, I'm tired of sharing my surname with a man.


I mean if there is no monetary involvement, I wouldn't like to share anything with anyone and that includes my surname.


So from today forth, I hope my readers and I will cease to refer to him as Mr Chan. But still, a few points to note as stated in my Choking the Chicken post, Mr Wei will STILL have to:


1) bear ALL my children
2) do ALL housework
3) choke his own chicken


See. Like all men, ALL that I ask for is very simple.




New Job on the Block


I was looking through the recruitment ads again. I know some of you people have been grumbling to anyone who is willing to listen about how there are no good jobs on the market that is not desk bound and allows plenty of social interactions with other human beans.



I have the perfect job for you.






And in the hot sunny humid weather of Singapore, the AIRY uniform will be a plus point.




New Blog on the Block.


Ermm... that doesnt sound too right....


As you people know that someone (identity will be kept very very secret or secretest) in our community is rumoured to be publishing her biography.. oops i mean blog soon. I have been thinking about some possible names for her (identity will be kept very very secret or secretest) blog.


1) speggyworld - which will be similar to ayamworld and will talk about the latest korean/taiwan drama in town
2) plentyoffishballs - which will be similar to mine and will showcase her love for food
3) meijiologyrulez - which will be similar to sotonologyrulez and will showcase some unique new words which she has invented



In case, she finds that the names a tad too similar to other bloggers in our community. Perhaps she will like to look through the other suggestions which I have came up with.



1) thetiongbahruprincess - this blog will showcase some of the unknown delights of her little erm.. town
2) bunnylover - need I say more?
3) alwaysoncredit - this blog will feature some of her tactics in dealing with monetary matters
4) missuslee - a compilation of love poems dedicated to her husband
5) meijiphotodatabase - will show the millions of photos of the writer with her fun-loving & beautiful friends



Of course, if the rumoured person is lazy and refuses to use her creativity to come up with a title. She could always stick to the following/boring:



1) tanmeiji.blogspot.com - identity will be kept very very secret or secretest
2) serenetan.blogspot.com - huh? who?
3) speggy40.blogspot.com - like the hotmail account



A little birdie told me that the "released date" for her album.. oops i mean biography... i mean blog is set to be on the 1st of JUNE.



So till den.




New Shop on the Block



The other day I was at the newly renovated Marina Square. The new MS looks promising. Some big names have oredi set foot there.


Den I came across something. And I almost burst my eyeballs becuz I was rubbing my eyes a little too hard.




Can you equate this type of fashion





with this particular spokesperson



and if you can't tell, that's Faye Wong.



and here's the surprise




with Baleno?



It will take time to equate everything with everything.




And it takes time to get over the fact that there's something growing mould in your OWN HOME FRIDGE!







HOW CAN PARENTS LET THIS HAPPEN?!?!?!


DONT THEY REALISE THAT THIS MIGHT SCAR KIDS FOR LIFE???!?



Speaking of parents, mum's going over to Malaysia to visit some relatives tomorrow.


I'm worried that she's going alone but hey, I get to hold a mass orgy at home!

I just left a comment on my idol's blog!


And i misspelled a word!!


To top it off, he is a English Teacher!!


Cover me while I dig a hole to hide my face! or my ass! or my dead body!


I think my command of the language is pretty okie.


BUT WHY?!


SPELLING ERROR!?!?! *in anguish*


On an early sunday morning.


I hope he doesnt laugh at me secretly.


Women's intuition and NOT women's institution.


Hey dude. Where's my brain?

Time spent wisely

Ok. The photoblog is done.


And I spent like 1 hour on it.


So I'm not going to blog today.


Going to wisely spend my time sending out resumes.


A conversation in MSN between me and a person rumoured to soon release her biography.. i mean blog..

Unknown person: this blog will not be likely to be born if not for bunny my loveress for ur persistent "WHEN U GOING TO BLOG??".."HAVE U BLOGGED??"..."WAITING UNTIL FLOWERS WILT FOR UR BLOG???'''......arghhhh....i just cant stand naggy person.....opppssss....i love u toothy bunny... ok lah, shouldnt be too longgy for my 1st post....smuacks