A Hitchhiker's Guide to Planet Venus

Welcome to Bunny's Hitchhiker's Guide to Planet Venus.



Annoying men have always grumbled about understanding women.



Oh, she's always doesn't mean what she says



Oh, she's so naggy and grumpy



Blah Blah Blah



The complaints about women from these annoying men/houseflies are endless.



Well, usually I will ask these straight men to consider dating other males since they think we, women are so intolerable.



If you think, you should take up my suggestion of dating other men, Click Here.



But I'm in a fine mood after watching Mr and Mrs Smith yesterday, which to my surprise is a pretty entertaining show.



I mean even if there is no plot, no dialogue, I will still find it entertaining.



You know what I mean.



So today, I'm going to list here the rule of thumb when it comes to understanding women.



RULE OF THUMB - also known as follow or else risking your young life



1) Don't lie. Or Don't get caught trying to lie. Or Don't even think about lying.



Why i suggested not even thinking about lying is becuz:

a) it's geninuely not healthy in a relationship


b) women have what they affectionately termed as women's instinct, they can smell a rat and a lying rat (which is you by the way) a mile away.


c) your pants may catch fire




Points to note: Categorising Lies


A White Lie is okie - when it will make us very happy, over the moon, howl at the moon in pure joy


A Red Lie is bad - when it is done to save your stupid ass from something stupid which you have done becuz it is like wearing superman's red underwear infront of a raging bull


A Grey Lie (also known as an omission of truth) has potential to turn red in nature depending on good you can manage to keep the blindfold over her eyes




Penalty Kick for Lying: Four out of Five





2) Do I look fat? The best answer.



Seriously, you have a better chance of surviving a minefield in vietnam if you choose to answer this question without a thought. I would then suggest you queue for a brain transplant at the National Brain Center.


Very IMPT! Do a Situational Analysis:


Check the look in her eyes.


The Look in her eyes: serious, determined and rational
Action Suggested: sugar coat the truth.


Eg 1: "Well, you are slimmer then me" - usually this tactic allows you to act whiny and save you the agony of pacifying your chick becuz the tables have turned and she will now have to pacify you.


Eg 2: "We can go exercise together, IF YOU THINK YOU NEED EXERCISE" - now remember the last part of the sentence is very very important, like a bodyguard to President Nathan becuz that last part will protect you from ALL danger.


Never never say, "Well, slimmer then Lydia Sum wat". Even if you are mentally challenged (also known as Stupid), this is not the time to show case your shortcomings dude.



The Look in her eyes: whiny, slight dillusional or possessed
Action Suggested: tell a white lie and save your life becuz you only live once. Roger



The time and place where she said it


Time and Place: In the midst of a battle on playstation, in the midst of the finals of a soccer match, in the midst of a major bowel removal
Action Suggested: Pay Attention lah. So easy.


A woman knows better then to disturb you during important situations like the above mentioned.



Time and Place: At Gucci while trying on an expensive dress
Action Suggested: Say yes she is getting fat and be prepared to get the cold shoulder treatment


She will thank you in the future for helping her to save that amount of money. That is, if she is still on talking terms with you lah.



Penalty Kick for wrong answer: Two out of Five





3) Crying


This is what I call a weapon of mass destruction, Mr Bush. Those of you who are mentally challenged must know and keep it in mind that when it rains on venus, it is time to say sorry. Even when you are NOT in the wrong.



And say that you love her lots.



And that you will do her laundry next week.



If you are unwilling, I strongly suggest that you think about who is the one who will push babies the size of watermelons out from her vagina.



Penalty Kick for helping to induce weapons of mass destruction: Three out of Five




4) Deciphering what she says



She doesn't mean what she says, grumble the average blockhead man



Women always get this shit crap.



First of all, men, too don't always mean what they say.



Girl: Oh darling, will you buy me a Tiffany Diamond Ring?

Guy: Maybe



Let me tell you women the big conspiracy!! Maybe equals to NO!!




Secondly, the reason why women don't mean what they say at times is becuz they are subjecting men to tests to see if they are worthly.



Worthly of what? You asked.



For us to endure the PURE JOY of pushing watermelons out from down there lah. What else.



So if a man can't even play mind games with us, how do you think these blockheads can go out and fight a war.



Clues to decipher the hidden meaning


a) "No need to buy me flowers lah" - this on most cases is a test to gauge how sincere the guy is and if the guy is initiative enough to buy flowers for their girlfrens. The best place to send the flowers to is to her office where she can show off her bouquet to her envious colleagues. If it is a stalk of 3 roses, I advice that you better give it to her at home.


b) "No lah don't waste your money" - If you hear this you better start saving for whatever it is that she wants. This sentence is just teling you that there is no hurry to get this but get it soon lah.


c) "You better not buy this I warn you" - See the stark difference? This is a direct order.


d) "Fine" (in a huffy puffy voice) or long silence - According to a website, FINE is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up immediately and never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks.


Long silence could be a sign that she disapproves of something and is waiting for you to ask her what is wrong before she launch into a 1 hour full blown nagging. It could also be a sign that she has fallen asleep if you are on the phone with her.


No matter what, apologise immediately and say that you are very sorry and volunteer to do her laundry next week again. Even if it is not your fault. Or if you have no clue about what is wrong. Just apologise.


If not you might have to endure POINT 3 - crying.




Penalty Kick for misinterpreting her meaning: Two out of Five




5) Eye candy on the Streets



I know you men have a tendency to check out hot chicks. This is a fact and something that we women cannot deny, for men are truly weak (no self control over their eyeballs and other balls). A good example would be Mr Austin Powers.



A glance is fine but please show a little decency and draw the line at drooling. If you want to drool, don't let her catch you.



This is a gauge women usually use to see how much respect you have for them in general. So I quote Mr Austin Powers, 'Oh behave'.



Penalty Kick for over-ogling: Three.five out of Five




6) Breaking a date



Usually I won't advice breaking your date to see your lovely girlfren unless you have something important to do like:


a) complete a final battle on playstation

b) watch the final soccer match between Brazil and Singapore (HA)

c) to play soccer with your friends, brothers or fathers whatever



If you very bravely decide to break your date with your lovely girlfren, be prepared to incur the wrath of a dragon or tigress (yes I'm talking about the one at home) or be prepared to incur a hefty sum on your credit card to buy some pretty presents from Tiffany, Cartier or Bvlgari. Anything from these 3 are fine. We are not very fussy.




Final Note: Arguments



There are women who are good at cooking and the rest are just women who are good at arguing.



So never go into an argument which you think you can win becuz you will be the ultimately loser.



Basically in life, there are 2 types of women you will meet.



Those who are sweet and spice and everything nice. And those who have razor blades for tongues.



For this, you have to make a judgement call to see which type of girl your chick is.



Like for instance me, I'm the sweet and spice and everything nice type. So i pretty much suck at arguments and I'm good in cooking.



For those of you unfortunate enough to have razor blades for girlfrens, I suggest you chant this phrase 50 times, 3 times a day.



When she's happy, I'm happy



Easy Peasy.



The secret to understanding a woman's volatile behavior lies with the major factor that feeds her thoughts -- her emotions. Amen.



p/s the photoblog is done.


About the Author:
Sweet and spice and every nice.